Surfline Man feels a jolt like a lightning strike or something sudden and electric. The course of his life has completely changed.
It’s flat today. All the pretty charts and pictures show the same sad story. No waves.
After flirting with life without Surfline, Surfline Man is back. He just couldn’t stay away, so he knows for sure that it’s flat, like everywhere. Surfline Man likes to be sure of things. It’s nice.
And how could Surfline Man stay away from all his favorite cameras and maps? He tried to check out the waves in person, like his best friend Dylan had told him to do. But it was so tiring. How many times had he hiked the trail to Trestles only to be completely disappointed? Too many times, that’s the number! And it was so far away!
Then Dylan went back to Santa Cruz, so there was really no reason to bother parking the Sprinter and walking around to look at things. If Dylan wasn’t there to see, why should Surfline Man have to do all this work?
Surfline Man has learned that monitoring the waves is actually very difficult and time consuming. He prefers to sit on his couch, comfortably seated in front of his laptop and watch the internet. Surfline Man misses seeing his favorite charts change color and he likes to know exactly what the tide is doing.
Otherwise, how could he know this important information about surfing? This is the best way to go about it. Anyone who claims otherwise is lying completely.
Also, friends don’t make friends work hard. That should be a rule, if it isn’t already. Surfline Man knows exactly how essential he is. He doesn’t need to prove it to anyone! Dylan was such a stupid poser, trying to be so cool all the time.
Anyway, it’s flat and Surfline Man clearly doesn’t surf. So he cleans out his garage and whistles without a tune, like a guy who whistles when he’s in his garage doing important stuff for surfers.
So far, he’s been rearranging his boards in the rack. He’s been struggling to decide whether to organize them by color or size. He’s settled on size, but he’s still not sure if that’s the right choice. Maybe color would look better?
It’s very important that his boards are perfectly spotless in his garage. Maybe someone will come by! He wouldn’t want his boards to look really shabby. That would be really embarrassing.
Surfline Man looks sadly at the empty space where the goldfish Mike the shaper had made for him used to be. Too bad it was stolen that horrible day he tried to surf Ocean Beach. Never again! Luckily, it didn’t take long to fix the Sprinter’s window. But his beautiful goldfish was gone forever. It’s definitely time to find a new perfect fish. Blue, this time, for sure.
The red is like, so over.
As he ponders his old board and maybe his new board and what it should be, Surfline Man pulls out his box of fins. He has no idea how he ended up with so many fins, but you never know what you might need, and Surfline Man keeps them all. Even the quad set, it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have any.
You never know! Things can change so quickly. Surfline Man starts to sort out this chaotic mess. Obviously, he has to buy more boards. It would be a shame if all those great fins went to waste!
Surfline Man leans against his workbench where he does all his important surfboard-related tasks and opens his phone. Instagram opens and he starts scrolling. Surfboards, so many beautiful surfboards. The images flash before his eyes in a blur of colors. What if he could use them all? It would take him a lifetime, maybe even longer! So many lifetimes for so many surfboards!
Surfline Man stands there, struck by the vastness of infinity. Dylan has tried to get him to smoke weed, but Surfline Man is pretty sure he doesn’t even need it. He’s just like, so amazed by the whole world and all its possibilities! And he really likes surfboards.
The weed made him super silly and he stared at the same spot on the wall for about an hour. It was not fun at all.
And then he sees this: a job offer. Editor-in-chief of Surfer magazine. Surfline Man feels a jolt, like a bolt of lightning or something sudden and electric. He’s there, staring at the endless list of boards he wants to surf, when boom! The course of his life has completely changed.
And just in time!
Surfline Man could really use a job. Ever since evil Trey went crazy with AI, he hasn’t hired Surfline Man to do any cool little projects. Too bad! Surfline Man likes to feel useful and it never hurts to earn a little extra money.
An adventurous surfer like him never knows when he might need to buy a new surfboard or replace a window on the Sprinter.
Then there was this story where he and Dylan were going to start a surf brand. Surfline Man was super excited and even designed these absolutely perfect surf shorts. It cost him a ton of money to get out of the lease on this retail store, too. Stupid lawyers. But they couldn’t come up with a good name, and everyone knows you can’t have a surf brand without the most perfect name.
But Surfline Man could totally be the editor of Surfer Magazine. For one thing, he knows everything about surfing. That seems like a super important qualification. Really, really important. Surfline Man knows everything about where waves come from (those cute Surfline charts!) and which board to use in each situation. He’s practically an expert!
Surfline Man scans the job posting. What other qualifications could he possibly need? A degree in English, journalism, or a related field. Surfline Man certainly doesn’t have one. His field isn’t even related to this one at all. It’s very disappointing. He feels so depressed right now. His bright future is over before it even begins.
But Surfline Man did take an English class in college. He did it! Surely that’s enough!
Surfline Man remembers that English class very well. He had to read a stupid book about a guy who went fishing. It took him forever! Then he caught a fish, but a shark ate it on the way back. It was so stupid.
Why didn’t he put his fish in a nice Yeti cooler where the shark couldn’t eat it? Surfline Man didn’t understand why this was such a great story, such an important one and all. Some dead guy wrote about a fish he couldn’t even eat!
Surfline Man would be so embarrassed if a shark ate his fish before he got it home. Like, buy a cooler, man.
The English class was so stupid that Surfline Man can’t imagine how it could possibly be relevant to being the editor of Surfer Magazine. What do a bunch of dead guys writing stupid stuff have to do with surfing? Nothing. That’s it!
Surfline Man is as confident about this truth as he was the time he went canoeing at Ocean Beach. So, super confident. Nothing bad could come of it. Who needs a stupid English degree. Not Surfline Man!
There’s an editing test, whatever that means. Surfline Man can write code! He can definitely pass an editing test. It’s just words! How hard can it be to edit words? Surfline Man is pretty sure it’s not that hard at all. He sends emails and all the time. It’s words. People have told him how much sense he makes. So obviously he’s already pretty good at writing.
The ad is about SEO, and to be honest, Surfline Man doesn’t really know what it is. But he can always Google it. Surfline Man is totally confident that Google can tell him what SEO is and how to do it. The internet is so smart and can totally help him learn everything he needs to know. Why does he need to know things when the internet is right there?
Surfline Man is a man with a lot of ideas. He knows it. Wasn’t he going to start the best surf brand ever? It was a great idea and he has so many more! He doesn’t need to know all the details or take a stupid test. Surfline Man could totally be the editor of Surfer Magazine. He would be the best editor ever!
Imagine all the cool places he could go to do important research and stuff. Even Surfline Man knows that editors have to do that kind of stuff. And he could look at so many cool photos. He would just sit there in his office in front of a big screen looking at the best surf photos of all time. It’s so cool.
And all the celebrities he can call. He’ll be able to learn a lot more about surfing than he already knows. All the pros will be his best friends. They’ll all want to talk to him! And shapers, like him, will send him free boards every day to try out. Surfline Man is even looking forward to being editor-in-chief. Sounds awesome.
Surfline Man stands there in his garage, staring into space, lost in his dreams. It’s all so real to him. He can see it now. All those beautiful magazines littering his desk. All that surfing and surfing knowledge.
The vibrating phone brings Surfline Man back to the present and the hazy dreams dissipate as he faces the reality of his messy box filled with mismatched fins. Why the hell does he have so many fins? It’s like some kind of disease.
Surfline Man picks up his phone. There’s a new message. Oh, it’s evil Trey. Maybe he finally gave up on AI.
Hey man, how are you?
Surfline Man rolls his eyes. Trey always calls him “bro.” It’s so annoying. Surfline Man continues reading.
So I started a private equity fund with a few guys
We worked so hard
Anyway, we just bought Surfer magazine
I also bought a few other magazines I guess
Anyway, you’re the surfiest guy I know.
Do you want to be the new editor?